Why the New Gossip Girl Was DOA

Spotted: a new Gossip Girl reboot on HBO Max, looking all hot and bothered. But should it be?

We remember the way we felt when vicious, sexy, lovable S and B battled it out on the Upper East Side so many years ago. Even though the 2007 TV show inspired by Cecily Von Ziegesar’s books was the pleasant, yet vanilla version, it still honoured the “vibe” of Gossip Girl. There was still plenty of backstabbing amidst the phony smiles of our favourite spoiled Constance Billard girls.

This new version? Not so much.

Yes, they wear all of the requisite designer clothes, skulking around Manhattan like it’s a 24-hour fashion show and there are plenty of sexy times. But is there really a scandal to be found? The whole premise of return of gossip girl starts with some frustrated, underpaid teachers who work at Constance Billard and are tired of the tiny, stylish tyrant b*tches who keep on firing them for…reasons.

After a long-winded explanation about the origins of Gossip Girl that would make even the most dedicated student fall asleep, those dastardly teachers set about to RUIN THE STUDENTS. RUIN THEM ALL! All they really want is some R-E-S-P-E-C-T and also for teen girls to like their beige Reitmans blazers, even though they look like goons skulking around Manhattan taking semi-naked pictures of young girls and then feeling really bad but posting them online anyway.

For REASONS this makes sense? I guess? And they shouldn’t be fired? Yes???

Then, there’s it-girl Julien (who is excellent in her role) and her half-sister Zoya, who she brought all the way to Manhattan just so that she could get to know her. Awww… aren’t they so cute? That is, until a *minor annoyance* that is *somehow* a *huge* insult (?) causes the two adorable sisters to INSTANTLY HATE EACH OTHER!

Cue the cheering, very stupid teachers who are glad that they have ruined the lives of two teenage girls that at the start of the episode were just very slightly moody to them. DEATH TO ALL TEENAGERS THAT DON’T LIKE TEACHERS OR BEIGE BLAZERS. As we cut to the last scene, Julien, now tamed by the slobbering doofus teachers, has been re-programmed to enjoy beige, polyester blazers.

You used to love me,

XOXO

A dead-eyed version of Gossip Girl.

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